Dear Tyson,

This is not my first letter. You might recognize my name from several NSFW messages posted to your MySpace page in 2006, and while I’ve grown as a writer since then, I stand by those words. However, this particular open letter is strictly SFW. I am writing to thank you for your many contributions to my ~brand~, the single most important thing a woman can have.

Our story begins in 2004. I had just started my second round of braces, and was experiencing a swift orthodontia-induced end to my Frankford Middle School popularity. The blonde highlights in my black hair had completely backfired, and I couldn’t afford the Abercrombie jeans necessary to win back the respect of my seventh grade peers. I’d lost everything, Tyson. I’d hit rock bottom, but immediately upon landing, my local Kiss FM affiliate played “Swing Swing” on the radio. I Asked Jeeves about The All American Rejects, and a new girl emerged from the ashes. I dyed my hair back to black. I started wearing sweatshirts with thumbholes and purchased my first pair of Converse. I was reinvented.

Skip forward to 2008. I am a junior in high school, and I am still thriving as a Reject. I was easily the edgiest girl in my AP Psychology class, and with my new job at Coldstone Creamery I could finally afford as many Hot Topic T-shirts as I could wear. I sang “Dirty Little Secret” all the way through my first hangover and “Another Heart Calls” through my first heartbreak. I drove 45 minutes to see you sing “Gives You Hell” live at the Palladium Ballroom in Dallas, and stole the setlist off the wall even though I was really disappointed that you were wasted and flubbed the lyrics to “Mona Lisa.”

It’s been six years since that concert. I’ve graduated from college, outgrown my skinny jeans and stopped buying Converse, but I still harbor my crush on you safe in my heart. I have dated two men I outweigh, and even though I spend my days wearing business casual in a cubicle, I dream of the day I cover my arms in tattoos and you whisk me away to a dirty studio apartment. I stuck with you through your horrible techno remix phase and bravely ignored the rumors of your romance with Taylor Swift. Today, I set my Spotify account to play only your music and enjoyed it all without a single ironic bone in my body. I still know every word to every song, and I suspect I always will.

Your angst became my brand, Tyson. Thank you.

Love,

Kelly Fine

I graduated from college just over 50 hours ago, and because I probably suffer from a variety of untreated anxiety disorders I’ve already starting making lists. The first list was a grocery list, because I’ve decided my second-biggest post-grad resolution is to stop spending a majority of my income on food. So far so good? I microwaved taquitos last night, so there’s that.

Because I had roughly 16 internships and even more because of the mentioned anxiety, I started the job search early and am hashtag blessed to already have a full time job at the workplace equivalent of Disney Land, and in May I'm moving to Boston to be an advertising copywriter like Don Draper. I haven't actually seen Mad Men, but I've been told it is about copywriting. I’m not trying to brag about my employment in this paragraph—it was meant to work as a segue, I swear. My biggest post-grad resolution is to find a hobby.

It occurred to me that while I have a couple family members and maybe 3 childhood friends in Boston, I don’t have tons of ways to meet new people when I get there because most of my hobbies are completely solitary, like watching Netflix in my bed or writing dumb blog posts in my bed or eating candy in my bed or playing candy crush in my bed. Zero of those hobbies are very conducive to social interaction, oddly. So after googling “post-grad hobbies” with a variety of different keywords, I came up with the following list of “most common” activities to pursue. I  included a price measurement, but then realized that my scale is totally off because any amount of money is a lot to pay for friendship? Maybe that’s a maturity thing. We'll see.

1. Pottery making: $$$

The upsides: This sounds really fun in theory, mostly because I’m really into playing in the dirt and I’m a hoarder, and this 8-week class would conceivably result in a lot of stuff for me to put places.

The downsides: Who has $250 to spare? Also, what happens when the class is over? Do I have those friends forever, or do I have to keep paying for classes so I can keep talking to people/getting out of my bed?  Also, I'm a hoarder.

2. Comedy writing workshop: $$$

The upsides: this sounds like a lot of fun, and maybe I could become the next Tina Fey/Amy Poehler. Actually, even typing that sentence basically ensures that I will not become the next Tina Fey/Amy Poehler because as far as I can tell, there will not be a “next” Tina Fey or Amy Poehler because they are goddesses.

The downsides: I know I’m a bad person for saying this, but I already kind of consider myself a little funny. I don't think my ego could take it if I signed up for these classes and no one thought I was funny. I would spend so much time weeping over the $225 I spent shattering my self-confidence.

3. Rock climbing: $$

To be completely honest, I have basically no interest in ever having a hobby that is difficult physically because working out sucks. It seriously does. I only included this because I didn’t want anyone to think I was a fatty or to suggest I join any sort of adult sports team, because no.

4. DIY classes: $

The upside: Fairly inexpensive?

The downside:  Would I only meet middle aged housewives? That would be okay because I feel like I'm kind of middle aged on the inside, but in terms of friends my own age this could be an issue. Also, the thing about being a hoarder again.

5. French classes: $$

The upside: learning or whatever, crepes.

The downside: I took French for 8 years and I didn’t not hate it ever. “Why would you even include this on the list, Kelly?” you might be asking. Because that’s what blogging is, pal. Just writing some shit down.

6. Austin Wine tasting club: ??

I was too scared to commit my email address to this meetup group so I have no idea how much this costs or how many people are in it or how frequently they meet. Let this be a lesson, internet: make this information public before asking for my precious, spam-free email address.

7. LARPing:

The upsides: This would probably cost zero dollars, so that’s cool. I’d also probably meet a lot of like-minded people that like dressing up as Doctor Who companions and lamenting the too-short series Firefly.

The downsides: ….do I really want to spend time with people this similar to me? That stresses me out. Can I really commit to being a LARPer? Will the shame kill me? I hope that isn't offensive, because thus far this is the most promising hobby and I don't want to alienate any future friends that may stumble on this blog.

8. Traveling: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

LOL JUST KIDDING, I JUST GRADUATED. Why does everysinglewebsite list traveling as a viable post-grad hobby? Plane tickets are really expensive and my car gets 14 miles/gallon, so.

Stay tuned, folks, because I really will continue this search. Wish me luck!